Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
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CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines