Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
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30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My Guy
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
LA today:
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.