Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I wanna be friends with this person
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for