Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
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If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.