ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Meow
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.