Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
You Might Also Like
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
He is just living hist best little life 😊