You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
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WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
He’s cranky this morning
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind