“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?