A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
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you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.