Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
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ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.