When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
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My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
The first one, obviously
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars