dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
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My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Girl, same.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?