[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
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Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*