My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
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The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?