DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
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Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Bond. Trauma bond.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.