Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
You Might Also Like
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments