Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life