Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
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My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.