My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
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I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.