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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.