Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
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“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.