the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
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Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂