Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.