A great tip. #CakeRex
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Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
consequences, the bane of my existence
necessity is the mother of invention
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.