Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
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Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild