Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
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[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.