If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
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me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*