I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
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You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
#Caturday
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Who’s your best friend?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.