ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
You Might Also Like
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those