I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
You Might Also Like
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
first you must answer his riddles
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus