Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
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I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”