“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
You Might Also Like
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.