SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
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Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
My brain is a bad influence on me
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?