Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
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Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”