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Morningbreath
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When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Me irl
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I am yelling
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)