My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop