I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
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If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
me logging onto twitter
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*