I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
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I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.