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BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep