Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
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giddy up Office Depot
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?