Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
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If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
as is their right
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
estão todos miauvindo?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.