I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
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“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.