Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
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Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
We need more people like this.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
the rocks need my help
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
i’m still crying at this
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything