I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
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Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.