The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
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So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Phones down.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.