Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
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What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now