“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
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if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!