Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
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Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Nice try, poison.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.