Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
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Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
If looks could kill
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
What the hell is going on?