Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
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I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I cannot stop laughing at this
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
They did not miss in the small print
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion